Hugs and Handshakes

When we appreciate what we have, we spend less time focusing on what we have not.

In light of the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday – a time to reflect with gratitude on our many blessings – I thought it best to keep this week’s entry rather simple and focused. Giving thanks is about more than focusing on that which we appreciate most in our lives. It’s also about learning to be humble and carry ourselves with grace. For it is in humility and grace that we truly learn, understand and share our gratitude with others.

Once shared, gratitude and appreciation have a way of multiplying exponentially. You see it in a smile, or a warm hug, a pat on the back or a kind handshake. These small acts of kindness are our way of giving thanks to someone in our lives that has touched us in some way. They aren’t long speeches or well-written greeting cards – but they are the seeds that grow into peace, love and joy. Simple, they may be; they are also powerful beyond measure.

So, this week when you are with your loved ones, whether near or far, pay attention to the hugs, handshakes and smiles – both the ones you give and the ones you receive. These are the gifts in our lives for which we can be most grateful. These acts of generosity of spirit are what will propel us forward in times of trouble, and comfort us in times of need. They are priceless and timeless.

With appreciation, gratitude and love,

In Love and Light,

Martina

Manifesting and Reflecting

As the days are getting shorter, the year is coming to a close, and we are entering the holiday season with Thanksgiving next week – I feel it is time to prepare ourselves.

Typically, we look back after Christmas, and then in a hurried fashion we think about the year ahead. We make our New Year’s resolutions, and we reflect on what we did (or didn’t) accomplish these past 12 months. After 5-6 weeks of holiday feasts, parties and celebrations, it’s no doubt that the focus of our attention is usually on returning to a more moderate lifestyle – complete with diets and exercise. But what if we didn’t wait until the last minute to begin our reflections and, more importantly, our manifestations for the coming year?

By waiting until after the holiday hangover begins, our manifestations have a greater chance of coming from a place of excess or, perhaps even, punishment for how we’ve spent the last few weeks in celebration. They are reactionary. Whereas, if we begin our reflections now, and allow ourselves the time to truly focus on manifesting the coming year from a place of thoughtful consideration – think of the possibilities!

Thanksgiving is typically spent with our loved ones, pausing in gratitude, as we appreciate and share our blessings and the year we have just experienced. In that process, don’t forget that you are a “loved one” as well. Remember to pause with yourself, and reflect on the blessings you have created in your own life. This reflection will bring you to your focus for your manifestations. Through honoring yourself, you honor those around you. There is no greater gift.

Therefore, in preparation for the holidays, the coming year, and the great opportunities in your future, I invite you into a space of empowerment. “Resolutions” is just a reactive word for manifestation. More importantly, however, manifestation has an added connotation of being empowering. So – what do you desire in your life? How can you focus your attention on manifesting better health, relationships and serenity? By starting now, I can almost guarantee that your holidays will be more enjoyable. Why? Because you will be approaching them from a position of love: Love for others, for your future, and mostly, for yourself.

THree THings

Body – Think of the past year and what changes you have already made – then thank yourself. Once you’ve done that, think of new modifications you would like to consider, and why? Write them down this way: What if….

Mind – Time spent in reflection is valuable, if the reflection yields opportunities for growth. (If reflection is merely an occasion to shame yourself – then I would suggest you spend as little time as possible reflecting on the past.) Time spent looking forward is valuable, if it brings with it actionable steps for change. How are you spending your time?

Spirit – Your intuition will always lead you in the “right” direction. Right does not mean “not wrong” – instead, it means “loving.” Therefore, your intuition will always lead you toward greater love – for yourself, and, eventually, others. Can you hear your intuition? Do you know how to access it without ego and judgment? It’s always there, and it always loves you. Do you know that?

In love and light,

Martina

Off the Hook

When was the last time you gave yourself a break? Is it a common occurrence? Or is it something you just wish you could do more often? The bigger question is: do you do it at all?

We’ve all grown up in a world that has become more and more technologically advanced. But these technological advances have brought with them something else: urgency. Being constantly connected in a shrinking world has sped up growth and, unfortunately, expectations.

So – what does that mean for us on a daily basis? It means that others have expectations of us that we will be available to them whenever and however they reach out. And we, in turn, have the same expectation of them. No longer is there a delay in sharing our thoughts, ideas and feelings with the rest of the world. With the advent of Facebook, Twitter and other forms of social media, we are able to announce to everyone what we are doing on a moment-by-moment basis. And, we receive these same communications from hundreds of people all around us. This ease of communication has created a sense of urgency that was previously once dominated by pony express! Think about that.

Sometimes, this urgent “need” to respond is nothing more than a reflex to react. We don’t necessarily give thought to our reactions. We just want to hit the proverbial tennis ball back into the other side of the court. And sometimes, it’s almost as if we’re stuck in a perpetual game of “beat the clock.” But, what would happen if you allowed yourself the time to respond to someone, rather than react? What would happen if you gave yourself permission to say “no” to something or someone?

Letting ourselves off the hook is one of the most challenging decisions we make. By allowing ourselves to make a different choice, and not accepting guilt or blame – we give ourselves the gift of time and space. So often when we draw boundaries (by saying “no,” for example), we feel guilty. But when we permit ourselves to hold our boundaries without guilt or blame, we are truly being supportive of our own health and wellness. Honestly, there are very few things in life that have the urgency we now commonly apply to our everyday interactions. A car accident victim arriving at the ER is an urgent situation. Your crops withering in FarmVille is not. Nor is the set of false deadlines we continually give ourselves by making endless “to do” lists. A reasonable to do list is supportive. An infinite to do list, is stress inducing.

Now, where can you cut yourself some slack? Do the kids really need homemade cupcakes for their birthday in school – or would store-bought ones suffice? And what about your lists? Have you thought about your limits, and what it means to have a reasonable to do list? Can you prioritize it differently? (And by the way, hitting your limit means you’ve already gone too far. Just a thought.)

THree THings

Body – Do you feel guilty if you skipped a day of working out, because you simply needed one morning of sleeping a little later? They’re both good for you – why should one make you feel guilty?

Mind – Lists and reminders are only effective if we use them deliberately. Tons of sticky notes eventually just become wallpaper. What could you do differently to lighten your load?

Spirit – When our mind and body are jumbled with guilt and stress from false urgency, our spirit becomes tired. It may take a while, but eventually it will begin to wear down. If you’re already feeling tired, at your core, it’s now time to make some decisions about what to change, and when, to support yourself in a healthier manner.

In love and light,

Martina

Insides and Outsides - Part 3 of 3

For the past two weeks, we’ve discussed how comparative thinking has grown within us, manifested itself and flip-flopped around. Now we have an opportunity to learn about waking up from this dream (or nightmare) and what to do when we come to the realization of the results (wreckage?) of our learned behaviors.

Once more, the story continues: Now we’re aware. We know that we have been living life on a merry-go-round, bouncing from one carousel horse to another, and sometimes a boat. We’ve tried to grab the brass ring, but somehow it always seems to be just out of grasp – either that or we’re too dizzy from all the spinning that we’re just hanging on to the horse’s pole for dear life! Either way, we know it’s time to stop, and it’s time to change. But how?

Here we are waking up to the realization that we want something different – that we want more. But how do we define “more” and “different?” For me, of those two words, “different” has played a larger role. I spent much of my young adult life working in jobs and careers that I thought I “should” be doing. I was pleasing everyone but myself. I won’t say I didn’t like the various jobs – I did. As with many of us, I did my best to make the most of everything I was doing. I made friends, established great relationships and was successful. I was doing well. All the while, though, there was a nagging inside of me that said, “there’s something else; something different.” It took family tragedy to give me my moment of pause. And though I wish the tragedy never happened, I accept it as one of the greatest gifts in my life.

When I woke up and realized I’ve been living a life based on faulty comparisons and beliefs – I knew I needed balance. For me, the key to finding balance, and removing that revolving door from my life, is to give myself the gift of space and time. You can do this in many different ways: meditation, coaching, therapy, exercise, energy work, etc. By creating a small amount of space and time in your world, in your mind, you can actually allow the real you to start to bubble up to the surface. You can start to hear yourself, your true self – your essence. And trust me, once your Spirit realizes it’s being heard, it’s hard to shut up!

Now I know many of you will say, “But I just don’t have the time!” I know. I’ve said it, too. I’ve even tried to just use my time for this type of work – and in the process, I stopped living. So, I’m not suggesting you do ALL of those things. Just one. Choose just one thing that will give you pause in your week. One thing that’s only for you – not for anybody else. If you regularly work out, but you’re doing because you “should,” and you’d really rather be at home in yoga pants with popcorn and a chick flick; well then, I wouldn’t suggest exercise as your “pause” time. Rather I would suggest something that will get you outside yourself, possibly with someone who is trained to help you do just that. We all have the time to spend an hour a week honoring who we are inside. We may have to write it into our schedules, or block it out on our calendars, but we all have the time. If you need something totally concrete, schedule an appointment with a professional: a personal trainer, a yoga instructor, or me! If you need more flexibility, then make a commitment to yourself to take a walk for one hour a week – outside, with nature. Anything will do. It’s making the commitment and keeping it that prompts this process forward. Then what?

Well, for each of us, it’s different – but the process is the same. What we find as we step onto this path of becoming (or returning to) our authentic selves is that we never really lost who we were. We have known ourselves all along. For myriad reasons, however, we have had to become like the grass in the wind – blowing constantly in any direction. We have had to be flexible enough to be trod upon, and still stand up the next day. We have had to know what it is to be cut down and keep growing. And we have had to die in order to grow again in a new season. But here’s my thought: A willow tree has all the same characteristics: strength, flexibility, growth; but it cannot be stepped on, and it is not regularly cut down as part of its growth, nor does it die with the seasons. So – why not be a willow tree instead of grass? Why not be your authentic self, deeply rooted in who you are, yet flexible enough to move with your environment?

The willow doesn’t look at the fir tree and think, “if only I could stay green all winter long like him.” (at least, I don’t think it does!) The willow tree just is. It lives its life and fulfills its purpose as itself. It may get trimmed now and then, but if you’ve ever seen a willow tree that has been allowed to just grow naturally, you’ll see what I mean. It takes care of itself, and it bends to no one and everyone at the same time.

I know it’s been a really long story of trying to impart some knowledge and wisdom – but if you remember nothing else, remember this: however you’re feeling inside, will NEVER match up with what you see someone is being outside. It’s futile to attempt to make them match up and will only bring you discomfort. And however you appear outside, there will always be someone else who is feeling discomfort in looking at you, because they are comparing how they feel to how you look. It’s what we’ve learned. And we can un-learn it. It just takes a little time, space and practice.

Be yourself, and know that you are perfect, just as you are. And if you want to make changes, then you can, and you will – when YOU want to, for you.

THree THings

Body – you are exactly as you are meant to be, at this moment in time. Love yourself.

Mind – you are learning exactly what you are meant to learn, at this moment in time. Honor yourself.

Spirit – You know everything is perfect, just as it is unfolding and happening, at this moment in time. Be yourself.

In Love and Light,

Martina

Insides and Outsides - Part 2 of 3

Last week we learned about how comparative thinking took root in our minds and developed into thought patterns and behaviors as children and teenagers – now we learn how it has played out in our decisions as young adults.

The story continues: Even though I was now seeing myself through another’s (more loving) eyes, instead of my own, it allowed me to get enough distance from the self-judgment. I started to realize that I really did have a lot more to offer. I started experimenting with my talents and gifts. I found that I had a gift for being a good friend, and listening to others. However, in order to please others and “be better” (judgment was still there), I carried it so far that I ended up sick. I still wasn’t listening to myself. I was seeing myself as others saw me, and I wanted to be what they saw. I wanted to embody what they needed or wanted. Again, I was living my life based on somebody else. This time, I was living my outsides, based on somebody else’s insides.

I think it’s at this point that we start to realize there’s something not quite right. Even though we can’t really pinpoint it – we know something is amiss. It’s also at this point where we start to experiment with who we are. Am I an actress? A businesswoman? A girlfriend? A friend? A daughter? A writer? A lawyer? Who am I? The identity questioning only gets compounded by the comparative thinking – but remember, this time, the roles have reversed. We are behaving more and more the way we think others want us to behave. So – naturally, our insides and outsides don’t sync up, and we slowly lose touch with our internal compass. Although we may no longer seem to have the low self-esteem we experienced in high school, we have a false self-esteem, generated by others’ perception of us, as we become what we think they want.

We spend much of our young adult life in this dance of becoming, reinventing, and becoming once more. Madonna mastered it. Nobody has reinvented herself more. The difference is, she was getting paid to do it – we’re not (well, most of us aren’t). So, where does that leave us? As young adults, on the heels of everything we’ve learned, we now spend our time walking through the revolving door of comparative thinking. Either we’re stuck in our old patterns of looking at others and comparing what we feel to what we see, or we’re stuck looking at others and comparing what they feel to what they see (or what we present). Did you follow that? Read it again. Now -- can someone just stop the revolving door, for a minute?!?

Ahh. And that’s when it happens. We pause. We stop long enough to realize that this isn’t who we are, or what we are – it’s all based on forces beyond our control. It’s either based on somebody else, or something else. Sometimes awareness comes in the shape of illness, or tragedy. Other times it comes in the form of blessings and love. Either one is a gift – because both have given us enough time and space to become aware of our patterns of behavior and beliefs. And once we’re aware, we now have the ability to make changes. We’ll discuss those changes next week. For now:

THree THings

Body – Have you dressed a certain way, in order to please somebody else? Or kept your hair a certain way, or your body? Is it how YOU want to look? What changes would you make? Would you make any?

Mind – Using the above example, if you’re maintaining an image for someone other than yourself, what is that doing to your mind and your self-esteem? Are you being authentic and honoring who you are, by trying to be somebody you’re not?

Spirit – We can only do our best, every day. There is nothing more, and nothing less. When we are living authentically, we are doing our best – if we can be strong enough to honor that truth within us, we will stop the revolving door, and eventually remove it from our life. Can you imagine what that would be like? Just for a moment?

In Love and Light,

Martina

Insides and Outsides - Part 1 of 3

Years ago, when I was being especially judgmental toward myself, my husband taught me a phrase:

“Don’t compare your insides, to other people’s outsides.” It was really simple, and yet at the time I didn’t entirely grasp its depth. However, I can’t begin to tell you how much this phrase has influenced me, my decisions and my beliefs as it has stayed with me for almost a decade. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up…

As children, for whatever reason (remember: we’re not playing the blame game here), we are taught to “compare” ourselves to what we see around us. So, from a very early age, we start learning the words: better, worse, enough, etc. We learn that everything has significance or value in our lives, and that some things are worth more than others. Unfortunately, we eventually apply this system to people, including ourselves. To be blunt, we learn how to judge. This isn’t something we’ve picked up overnight, mind you – it’s years and years of subliminal and sometimes not-so-subliminal messaging. Either way, in the end, by the time we reach pre-teen years, we are set up for disappointment, angst, frustration and fear. We are also set up for challenges, opportunities, and growth – but the other emotions tend to take over more often than not, as we learn to exert and test our independence little by little.

With that said, our teenage years are then spent fine-tuning this mode of living: comparing what we see to how we feel. For some reason, it’s ok that we do this with ourselves. So, we spend the better part of our childhood and teenage years thinking and feeling that we might not be “enough” and that we possibly aren’t “worthy” - when compared to everything, and everyone else, around us.

I can’t tell you how many times I looked at the more “popular” girls in high school and felt envy or worse: self-disgust. I wanted to look more like them, be more like them, and have what they had. And yet, I now know there were other people who looked at me and probably thought the same things I was thinking. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Why would I? All my energy was being spent thinking about everything that I wasn’t, not thinking about anything that I was. Add the value-system created by comparative thinking, and it’s a recipe for disaster: poor self-esteem and a roller coaster of emotions. It was difficult and challenging, and I think many of us may have experienced it that way.

Seeing the “grass as always greener” can wreak havoc on your mind. So, “it was the best of times and the worst of times.” Drama played a large role in my life, and why not? When you spend the better part of every day looking around you and judging others, and looking in the mirror and judging yourself – drama is a natural result. So - what happened next? I survived. In retrospect, it wasn’t that bad, even though at the time it was quite challenging. I have some of the best friends in the world – still today – and most all from high school. From there I went on to college, where I started (for the first time) to believe in myself, despite what I saw all around me. This time, however, it was based on others’ perception of me – namely, my boyfriends. I saw through their eyes what and who I was, not my own. Everything was still judgment based, but it was better. Next week, we’ll continue the story. For now, however:

THree THings

Body – What do your outsides really look like? Stop looking at magazines of airbrushed models and actresses wearing $5,000 outfits – just look at yourself. Yes, we live in a society that values appearance, but what do YOU value? Health? Wellness? The ability to have free will and make your own decisions about what you wear? Eat? Do?

Mind – Our mind, if we allow it, will always play a ping-pong game with us. Too much stimulus, especially in light of the comparative value-system we’ve created, will always cause havoc in our judgments and self-esteem. Can you take a break from the things that cause you to sit in judgment of yourself? Can you even identify the causes?

Spirit – Here’s the best one: you already know who you are, and how beautiful/smart/kind/loving/etc. you are. It’s deep down, in your soul. Kept there for always and forever. If you can tap into this knowledge, think of how all the judgment of yourself and others will fall away. What can you do to access this wisdom? Is it enough for someone to simply remind you that you already have it?

In love and light,

Martina

Exploring

In honor of Columbus Day, I decided to look at exploration and its role today. First a definition: “Explore – [ik-splawr, -splohr] 1) to traverse or range over for the purpose of discovery; 2) to look into closely; 3) to investigate into, esp. mechanically, as with a probe; and 4) to search for, search out.” Though the age of the Great Explorers is generally over, I think that it actually continues to this very day – every day. For aren’t we all, in our own way, explorers?

Let me explain. If, in fact, exploring means to look into something closely, or to go over or across something for the purpose of discovery – then I maintain that we are all explorers every day that we wake up. Think about it: at your job and in your relationships, you spend time looking at things quite closely, searching for things: answers, solutions, ideas. We spend most of every day doing our best to improve something. That, in itself, is the essence of exploration. When we try to improve the productivity at our work, or when we attempt to improve our relationships with loved ones, we are exploring new ground with each thought, emotion and feeling we address. We pioneer new ways of thinking, acting and relating to one another. We do things differently than we did the day before, or month before, or year before. And we do this all because we are searching for something more, something better. We know it’s out there – we don’t always know how to get to it, but we keep on exploring and pushing forward.

As someone who has surrendered to a life of active exploration, I know firsthand the challenges and rewards that come with this kind of pioneering. It is one of the most difficult and wonderful things I have ever done. I am a student of the world and everything it has to offer, both the beautiful and the less-than-beautiful. I experience things with new eyes every day, and I can experience the same things with jaded eyes a short while later. I have been hurt, and I have hurt others. I have felt love, joy and peace – and (I hope) I have shared those same gifts with the world. Exploring means not only being open to the many wonders and treasures of the Universe, but also being open to the darker side of things, and accepting its role. For without the darkness, there can be no light. Every good thing needs its opposite to reinforce its existence. Just as day has night, and dark has light – so, too, does exploration include wondrous discovery and seemingly unbearable hardship. Sacrifice seems to be an integral part of exploration.

But what are we sacrificing when we explore better ways of being in a relationship with someone we love? For some, they sacrifice the comfort of being able to choose what to do, whenever they want to do it: total independence. For others, they may be sacrificing having the cap put back on the toothpaste, or the dishes cleaned every night. The size of the sacrifice is entirely subjective. It may not bother me that the towels aren’t hung on the rack properly, but it may bother you. We each sacrifice things in our own way, in order to reap the rewards of something greater. And every day we create new ways to enhance and improve what we already have, we become explorers. That’s what the Great Discoverers knew. They had no idea what was out there – they just “knew” there was something more, perhaps something better, something that would enhance their lives and the lives of their people. It was this kind of knowing that propelled them forward, as it does for us. We may not be aware of what lies ahead for us in our jobs or relationships, but we do know that in exploring growth and change, we become open to the possibility of something better.

It is an understatement to say that many in today’s world are searching for answers to tough questions. As an example, many people want or wonder about “enlightenment” and “inner peace.” Collectively, we are beginning to become a society of explorers once more. This exploration is an inner journey – far more profound than trips around a once flat world, though equally as important in setting aside old belief systems and thought patterns. As you go about your day, what beliefs or habits are you willing to challenge and explore? Are there alternatives to your established mode of doing things? Just as the Great Explorers helped to discover an alternative route to the Orient what new routes to peace, love, happiness and wellness in your relationships are you willing to create? What new paths of productivity are you willing to pave at work? Something to think about.

THree THings

Body – If you’ve always done the same exercise; what would happen if you changed it up once or twice a week? If you’re a runner, what would tai chi do for you? If you practice yoga, how about trying spinning?

Mind – There are so many wonderful opportunities to learn on our planet. If you have always been a sports fan – have you ever tried opera? Or if you love classical music, have you also been open-minded enough to hear the artistry in the rhyme of rap? Other cultures, languages, food, art, history, religion – there’s so much out there waiting for you. What would you do, if you had three extra hours today to learn something new?

Spirit – As always, the Spirit is the door through which all internal exploration begins. What have you always wondered about, deep inside? If you have a burning question that has slowly fizzled into a glowing ember, but remains lit inside your core – perhaps it’s time to pick up a book, or find a lecture, or talk to a teacher. Perhaps it’s time to fan that flame a little and awaken your Spirit on this path of exploration. What do you think? Aren’t you just a little curious?

In love and light,

Martina