Boundaries

Can you clearly describe or define your boundaries with others, right now, even as you read this? In our lives, there are so many different types of relationships that each have their own set of boundaries. The boundaries between a husband and wife differ from those between a mother and child – which in turn are different from boundaries between co-workers, or a customer and vendor. And what about boundaries between friends? Clearly we need to create and apply different boundaries with each relationship we enjoy.

For most of us, it’s easy to discern some specific boundaries, and we would assume others would also have the same well-defined “lines in the sand.” Obviously, we don’t lie, cheat, steal or otherwise endanger or hurt someone else. We also do our best not to yell or curse at anyone, if we can help it. Many boundaries are reflected in our laws, as I just mentioned. But there is a gray area – a no man’s land, if you will – of boundaries that somehow always seem to be flexing and bending, depending on the situation and the type of relationship. It’s in these areas that we need to focus.

Good boundaries are established by clear, open and honest communication. Where communication is lacking, you can bet boundaries are being breached. Unfortunately, it’s in these scenarios where feelings can get hurt, and emotions too easily become our compass. So, what happens when a boundary is crossed, unknowingly?

For starters, let’s ask this question: what do you do when someone crosses your boundaries? If someone yells at you unnecessarily and uses curse words or other pejorative language – do you say something? Do you yell back in anger? Do you walk away? Do you sit quietly and build resentment within? These are all choices you can make. But when a boundary is crossed, our typical first reaction is emotional. Why? Because it was a violation. It was a violation of our emotional, mental (and sometimes personal) space. Addressing a direct violation can be reflexive. However, the real challenge comes in when the other person violated your boundary unknowingly.

Think about it this way: If you draw a line in the sand and someone defiantly steps over it – they are blatantly, and consciously, crossing your boundary. However, if you never draw the line in the sand (or you hold an invisible line in your mind), isn’t it highly likely that someone will eventually cross into your space, causing you to react when the boundary is breached? Sometimes, it takes someone stepping in our space for us to realize that we actually have a boundary there that we hadn’t previously acknowledged or accepted. If that’s the case, it might be a good thing to be grateful to the other person, because they just gave you an opportunity to learn something about yourself that you didn’t know. And sometimes having someone step over the invisible line simply creates an opportunity to build a stronger relationship, infused with greater mutual respect for one another. Either way, gratitude is a good approach to take when your ill-defined boundary has been broken. Because, as much as we all like to point the finger at the other guy, we played a role in the violation, by not communicating our needs effectively enough.

This isn’t to say that we need to go through our lives drawing lines in the sand everywhere – that would be impossible, and quite unwelcoming. But it is to say that unintentional boundary violations can lead in one of two directions, which is always a choice: 1) they can cause you to run away, build walls, or otherwise react to the unexpected stimulus in a defensive (or aggressive) manner; or 2) they can create an opportunity for growth, understanding and communication. Which, in turn, can strengthen your relationship with others, but also with yourself. And isn't that the ultimate goal? Long-lasting, loving relationships with yourself and others?

So, the next time someone steps over the line, ask yourself first if you actually drew the line and communicated it to them. Then, be grateful. Because if they knew the line was there – then they just taught you something about themselves that you didn’t know, or you needed to be reminded of. And if they didn’t know the line was there, then they’ve given you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and improve your communication skills. Either way, you will come out stronger, wiser, and more empowered to be yourself.

In Love and Light,

Martina

What now?

What do you do, when you don’t know what to do? I was recently asked this question by one of my clients. And truth be told, I’ve asked it of myself many times before. It’s more common than you might think. Often times it simply comes in the form of doubt or fear: Fear of moving forward, fear of not moving forward; Fear of making the wrong decision, and fear of making the right decision. Sometimes others provide us with the answer of, simply, “do anything!” But is that helpful? I suppose it can be, but the vagueness of that reply can reinforce and underscore the feeling of emptiness inherent in the question. So, while it’s certainly encouraging – it’s not necessarily helpful.

Here’s what I think works better: when in doubt, leave it out. Initially, perhaps that’s a bit counterintuitive, but it makes sense if you look at it. So let’s do that. If you are in doubt about something, it automatically muddies the water of your life by creating friction between your conscious and subconscious minds. Muddy water can then seep into other areas that were previously quite clear, which ultimately results in the exasperated feeling of “what now?” So, to start with, we omit the portion that is sullying the water. Yes, it’s easier said than done – but here’s a trick:

Rather than focusing on omitting the cause, focus on everything else. Go as simple as you need to go, until you are in clear water again. As with everything, when we focus on the negative things and try to change them – we only give them more power and influence over our lives. But if we focus on the positive things, and do our best to expand them, then we are really living authentically for who we are. Here’s an example:

A few years ago, I experienced this feeling of “what now?” and I felt myself going in circles. I tried to fix that which I thought was broken, and the resulting distraction from what was good in my life only caused the good things to be more neglected and ultimately need my “fixing” attention as well. I realized, with help from others, that this was not working, and I paused, shifted my attention, and started to focus on that which was good. Nurturing it, loving it, accepting it. Unfortunately, I had let it go so far, that I was really stripped back to the basics. I spent many days and weeks waking up and simply looking around me and allowing myself to feel grateful for the simplest things: a beautiful tree outside my window, a bird’s song, a smile from a friend, a roof over my head, food on my table, etc. You get the idea. These are the simple things that most of us take for granted, because we have been too busy, or not had occasion to be without. In light of what’s going on in Haiti, this exercise is even more poignant. Oprah introduced the concept of a Gratitude Journal to the world. This concept has been around for a lot longer though. A child’s prayer by his bedside at night is the original ‘gratitude journal’ – whether he is praying to God, Allah, Buddha, etc.

What I’m saying is that when we feel overwhelmed by life, and all the chaos and clutter in our minds, hearts and houses – the best way to move forward into peace, happiness and serenity, is to seek out that for which we are grateful, and focus on those things, one at a time. Once our attention is turned, and we can catch a breath or two, we can then take deliberate action, one step at a time, to make changes in our life that will lessen the chaos and disorder. Therefore, instead of looking at a pile of laundry, look at the many clothes you have, and be grateful. Then, do one load at a time – maybe one load a day, until you’re caught up. When it’s all folded and ready to be put away – perhaps there are a few items that you no longer need: items that have added to the chaos and clutter in your life. These are items that may be a blessing to someone else. Could you let go of them? When we are truly grateful for what we have, we sometimes realize that we have too much. Especially in times of need, what a blessing it would be to share our abundance with others. Not only will we be helping someone else, but we will be helping ourselves, too – by taking steps toward preventing a future uprising of that “what now?” feeling.

It all begins with your decision to pause, and choose a different perspective. And isn’t that just amazing? That a feeling as overwhelming as “I don’t know what to do,” can be transformed into empowerment within a few seconds, simply by pausing, looking around you and allowing yourself to appreciate what you already have, and what you already have done. What a gift.

In love and light,

Martina

Hold on to Hope

Making Sense of the Senseless. We’ve all tried. On the news each night – whether you are watching local, national or international – we all hear of tragedies that make no sense. A suicide bombing here, an earthquake there, mudslides, shootings, fires, falls. It seems that every day, humanity experiences senseless acts of violence, nature and tragedy. And yet, we continue on.

The majority of us go to bed each night and wake up each morning with a new day filled with new opportunities to experience, learn, feel and grow. We watch, listen and experience our world around us as we celebrate milestones together, such as birthdays and anniversaries. But what do we do when the senseless hits home?

Most of us are lucky enough to go through life without experiencing the tragedy of a suicide bombing in our neighborhood, or a drive-by shooting. Those incidents are few and far between, though their prevalence on the media makes it seem like they are occurring everywhere. Truth be told, they are but a small percentage of the overall experiences of the human population. But they are tragedies nonetheless, that collectively affect our human psyche. So, what happens when tragedy – senseless tragedy - becomes personal? What happens when the nightly news story is about someone you know?

I recently had this experience for the first time in my life, and it is surreal. Nothing can prepare you for a senseless tragedy. Nothing. And in the end, you’re left with questions and memories. Eventually, the memories take over, but in the beginning the questions are most prevalent: Why? How? What for? I’m now paraphrasing my cousin Jerry, a priest, who conducted the funeral and memorial service for this tragedy. And I am more than honored to be able to share his words with you. Because their wisdom is so pure and simple. Here’s, generally, what he said:

How can we answer these questions? We can’t. There are no answers, and there never will be. What we have – what we always have – is hope. So hold on to hope.

And he’s right. Regardless of what religion, spirituality or beliefs you hold – there is always hope. Hope for mending a broken heart, hope for reincarnation, hope for a cure. The list goes on and on. Without hope, our world would be pretty dark.

Hope wakes us up in the morning after an hour of nightly news filled with tragedy and fear, mixed among the blessings and celebrations. Hope allows us to sleep at night, knowing that tomorrow is a new day, with new life and new opportunities.

“Hope,” (to quote ‘The Preacher’s Wife’), “is all a prayer is.”

So – how do we make sense of the senseless? We don’t. But with hope, we can move forward into our future, honoring our memories, and living each day anew. Hold on to Hope. You’ll be glad you did.

Reminders are good for the heart

I celebrate Christmas, though I also do my best to honor and enjoy all of the other holidays at this time of year – but celebrating Christmas is how I grew up, and it carries so many different meanings for me. As with most of us who gather with family at this time of year – it’s a time to celebrate being together, enjoying each other’s company – and possibly the ritual disagreement(s) about the past. But in the end, regardless of which holiday you celebrate this time of year represents a time to be grateful. It’s an opportunity for us to pause and reflect on our many blessings. I was reminded of that today. I’m grateful for the reminder. I know it will change how I approach each gathering, and how I will look back on this holiday season in the months to come. Sometimes, all it takes is a reminder – even if we already know something. Especially when we already know something.

With that said – this week I simply want to share with you one of my favorite sections from one of my favorite Christmas stories: How The Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss. We all know “grinches” in our lives – in fact, we’ve all been grinches at one time or another. So, this section is worth repeating – if only to serve as a reminder to us of what’s possible when we stop and listen.

So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow - - -

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Without any presents at all! He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so? “It came without ribbons! It came without tags! “It came without packages, boxes or bags!” And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!

“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store. “Maybe Christmas…perhaps….means a little bit more!”

And what happened then...? Well. . . .In Who-ville they say That the Grinch’s small heart Grew three sizes that day!

Wishing you all a joyous holiday. May your hearts grow larger this holiday season and be filled with love, laughter and joy as you celebrate with family and friends. Merry Merry, Happy Happy and Joy to the World with Peace on Earth for all.

In Love and Light,

Martina

Living Optimally

So – it’s been a week, and what a week it’s been. Yours truly has been knocked down by the flu. Not sure whether it was just the common flu or the H1N1 strain – but whatever it was, it definitely got me. Which brings me to this week’s topic: Living Optimally.

A dear friend of mine recently shared her new life mantra with me, and I love it. It’s “Be happy now.” What does that mean exactly? Well, my interpretation is that it means that she is making decisions based on that idea. For example: if there is a choice to make between two things (as many of us experience this holiday season), she might look at the options through the filter of what will support her mantra of being happy now. Living in the moment. Too often we feel obligated to accept all invitations. As such, social commitments sometimes become a chore or a task, rather than a celebration. Now – this isn’t to say that you have to turn people down, but it does put a different perspective on things. If you have two holiday parties to go to on the same night, then you have the power to make the decision to choose one or the other – or both! More importantly, however, you also have the power to CHOOSE how you are going to approach the evening. Will you look at it as an overwhelming commitment? Or will you look at it as an opportunity to celebrate relationships and enjoy the moment? It’s your choice. Be happy now.

But let’s take this back to my experience with the flu. Last week I told you about Dr. Darren and Dr. Tom’s work. A major part of their work incorporates the idea of The Five Basics for Optimal Health, which are: ‘The quantity, quality, and frequency of water, food, rest, exercise and owning one’s power.” Of course, this is nothing new to most of us – except for, possibly, the “owning one’s power” part. But that relates back to what I just said about choice. As for the other four pieces – well, they’re just common sense, aren’t they? Or are they? If they were that simple – the weight loss industry and health care industry wouldn’t be worth hundreds of billions of dollars. So, where’s the disconnect?

In my opinion, it’s that last piece: owning your power. Owning your power means making a decision. Just like my friend has done in deciding to “be happy now” – it’s the decisions that drive us either toward health and wellness, or dysfunction and disease. If we want a quick-fix solution to a life-long problem, that’s a choice. And it might mean spending the rest of your life searching for the solution – rather than choosing a long-term strategy. But what about when things like the flu epidemic take place? I considered myself to be fairly healthy with a strong immune system, but I still got knocked down. Why? Was it something I did? Could I have done something different? Was I living optimally before I got sick? The answer is no – to all of those questions. I was not living optimally, however, there was also nothing I did to cause it, and there was nothing I could have done differently to prevent it, because that’s in the past. Going forward, however, I can make different choices.

I can choose to drink better water, more often, in larger amounts. I can also choose to go to bed earlier, and sleep better – giving my body more opportunity for rest and restoration. Food and exercise will also play a role. By making a deliberate decision to incorporate more fruits and vegetables, as well as daily movement in any form, I will be providing my body with the best possible scenario to heal and become stronger. The best part is, by making these decisions I will be owning my own power. In a way, it’s both a catalyst and a happy side effect of living a healthier life. It’s cyclical, and it will fuel itself.

One more thing, though – a big part of owning my power is also making the choice not to shame myself (and feel guilt) if I should choose something defined as “less healthy.” Life is about moderation, and life is about choices. A bowl of ice cream or a side order of French fries is a choice – it’s also a choice to feel happy about it and enjoy it fully, or to feel guilt about it and remorse. THAT is truly owning your power. So, just as my friend has embraced her own power by creating a mantra by which she lives her life, so can you. Every morning you have a choice to make on how you will approach your day. And every night, when you are lying in bed about to fall asleep, you have the power to choose how you will look back on your day and your choices. It’s up to you. Once you begin owning your power, the rest will naturally start falling into place. Amazing. And it all begins with you….with your choices.

THree THings

Body – What do you choose to drink first thing when you wake up in the morning? Water or coffee? Which one is more consistent with living optimally? Coffee is fine, but when you wake up, your body has become more dehydrated overnight. A glass of water might wake you up faster than the caffeine would.

Mind – If you find yourself feeling guilt about something – it’s probably an old pattern of belief. Pause. Give yourself a break, and see if you can make a decision to think differently.

Spirit – Honoring yourself is the greatest gift. It will give you the strength to take the initial steps toward living optimally.

In Love and Light,

Martina

Infinite Love and Gratitude

This week I would like to share with you my experiences from a workshop/training I took this weekend. The workshop was called “Conscious Body-Conscious Mind” presented by Dr. Darren Weissman, based on his book, work and research. His book is called “The Power of Infinite Love & Gratitude: An Evolutionary Journey to Awakening Your Spirit” and the workshop was the first step in learning The LifeLine Technique™. Now, I have been working with Dr. Darren’s friend and colleague, Dr. Tom Bayne, for over five years. I knew exactly what the LifeLine was all about, but I had never read the book, nor had I thought about learning the technique myself. Then I signed up, at the last minute, for this workshop – and I’m very glad I did.

Let me back up. Dr. Darren’s work is based on the simple truth that we are all energy – that everything is energy. From there, he expands that truth to explore how energy – specifically “negative” thoughts or emotions – can impact us and manifest in our lives physically, causing illness or disease. Ok, that was a REALLY simplified explanation of what’s going on, but I wanted to try to break it down into something more easily digestible. So – where does that take us, and what does that mean?

It means that thoughts, emotions and our environment can make us sick. And if that can happen – then the reverse is also true. We can heal ourselves by changing those patterns. Or, rather, our body can heal itself and function optimally if we allow it to. How? By creating an environment of, and offering it, “infinite love and gratitude” from a place of presence and compassion. Wow. So, during these three days of intense study, work and learning – I realized that even though I had been working with this premise for about five years, on and off, I hadn’t really accepted it.

Almost every appointment I went to with Dr. Tom, I wanted “him” to fix “me.” Now, this isn’t to say that I didn’t grasp it on some level, nor is it to say that I haven’t done some amazing work with Dr. Tom, shifting energy and emotional patterns that I’ve held for a very long time. Because I have done both, and I am so much healthier, happier and stronger than I was five years ago. But participating in this workshop, learning the technique from the inside out (including the research and work behind it) has opened my mind to new possibilities for wellness. I am so grateful.

I also realize that my acceptance is not yet complete. I know that I am now open to the possibility of these truths more than ever before, but that I am going to go through this process in a manner that is congruent with who I am. So, for me, that means small bites – with the occasional large gulp. Regardless of the speed, those are still steps forward – and isn’t that what it’s all about? Figuring out what works for you, and then honoring that process? We can do anything we want. We can wake up each morning and make that choice. Some people like to dive into things completely – head first, and eyes closed. Others like to test the water, sit by it for a while, then maybe put their feet in. Eventually – it doesn’t matter which speed we choose, because as long as we are honoring ourselves, and making our decisions authentically, from a place of love and gratitude, we are doing exactly what we need – and we will make progress. If we do things that way, then there is a greater likelihood that we will consistently move forward, rather than taking two steps forward, then one back, then another forward, then two back, and on and on.

So – while I couldn’t possibly distill everything I learned this weekend into one weekly writing (and I wouldn’t want to), you can be sure that my heart and my mind are processing all of this new information and it will slowly seep into my life as it’s meant to. And I will continue moving forward on this journey of mine, sharing with you as I go, in order to better help you on your own path.

For now, the biggest piece I would like to share with you is this: offering yourself and others “infinite love and gratitude” from your heart can have a profound effect on your life. The world – the Universe – is infinite, and so are you. I offer each of you Infinite Love & Gratitude from my heart.

THree THings

Body – Do your best to love yourself everyday. This can simply be making a decision to increase your water intake – especially during the dry winter months. I know I am. Infinite Love & Gratitude to your beautiful body.

Mind – Do your best to honor yourself everyday. Authentically speak your truth from a place of love. Infinite Love & Gratitude to your amazing mind.

Spirit – Do your best to be yourself everyday. You are energy – you are pure love and light. Infinite Love & Gratitude to your magnificent spirit.

In Love and Light,

Martina

For more information on Dr. Darren Weissman or Dr. Tom Bayne – please visit their websites at: www.infiniteloveandgratitude.com and www.pbhealthcenter.com, respectively. You won't regret it :-) (Photos of Dr. Darren's book and Dr. Tom's lotus logo duplicated from their websites.)

Intentional Interactions

Last week I gave myself a gift. I took a mini-pilgrimage, of sorts, to Detroit. Detroit?!? Yes. Detroit. I went there because it was about 5 hours away, and it was the last stop on Amma’s North American tour. Who is Amma? Well, Amma is a living saint – though she hardly describes herself as such. She is also known as “the hugging saint” amongst her followers. In short, without labeling her – Amma is a gift. And she shares herself with the entire world. (www.amma.org)

Amma’s gift consists of love and compassion, expressed through a hug. That’s it. It’s the simplest, most profound, gift: a hug. Last week I touched on the importance of hugs and handshakes. Well, soon after writing that entry, I was off on my road trip to see Amma. And I’m not even sure that I had realized the depth of my own message, until I experienced one of Amma’s hugs. At first, it was nothing seemingly spectacular, and yet quietly it became everything all at once. Let me explain.

A hug is a hug – right? Wrong. You know it when you hug someone who doesn’t like to be hugged. Kind of like when you get a “dead fish” handshake. Well, there’s such a thing as a “dead fish” hug, too. The person isn’t entirely present with you. They’re hugging you out of obligation or some sense of societal code. They would rather be anywhere else than in that hug. Now, the reverse is true. When you hug someone who really means it – who feels it in their entire body – you know it. And you usually respond in kind.

This summer I had the opportunity to meet and work with a group of people who gave these types of hugs – and it was truly amazing. But there was one person in particular, Jack, whose hugs were more than just two humans sharing space and expressing themselves with kindness, love and compassion. His hugs transcended the human experience until your breath became synchronized, and you felt your souls meet and greet one another, all in a matter of a few seconds. I had never experienced something like that before. At first it took me out of my familiar zone, but by the second of such hugs, I found myself looking forward to seeing Jack again – just to get one of his amazing hugs! This is a person who touched my soul, and I can conjure up the feeling that hug created – the warmth, connectedness and love – anytime I want. What a gift.

With Amma, though the embrace is physically different, and (for me) didn’t have such an immediate affect as Jack’s hug did, I find myself reflecting on it still. It has a depth that I am only just beginning to experience. It was warm, full of light, compassion and love; and I will go so far as to say it was soul-altering. Amma’s gift is her presence, which stays with you long after she has let you go. How many people can you say that about in your life? Which brings me to my point:

When something as simple as a kind, loving and compassionate hug can alter your emotional psyche – can you imagine what else we are capable of? There is a simpler way for me to say this.

Words matter.

Thoughts matter.

Intention matters.

The next time you’re with someone and you share a hug, think of what you’re truly saying to that other person. Is it simply a “hello” – or is it more? We don’t need to hug everyone we meet with the same intensity or depth of emotion. But if ‘intention matters’ – then it will come across in your interactions. Always. So, if you’re not comfortable hugging people – then let them know. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s actually better to not hug someone, and be authentic, than it is to hug someone from a place of discomfort and lack of integrity.

As for my mini-pilgrimage, I continue to conjure up the myriad emotions I experienced during my time with Amma. I reflect with joy, gratitude and love for her many gifts, and I know that they will continue to unfold in my life, my soul, as I remember her embrace. Her loving, compassionate, caring embrace. What a gift.

THree THings

Body – approach your interactions with intention and authenticity.

Mind – approach your thoughts and yourself with love, kindness and compassion.

Spirit – allow your soul to experience these gifts, without parameters or strings.

In Love and Light,

Martina

(photos: Amma photo reproduced from Amma's website www.amma.org; Swan photo courtesy of Charlotte Rushton, www.charlotterushton.com)